2011

Everyone always says how they're going to change in 2011. They make plans and resolutions, but never stick to them. I used to be one of these people, however, this year, I won't be making any resolutions or plans. This year is the year I plan nothing. I won't be planning anything because I won't feel like I have failed at anything. I'm not making any resolutions, so I won't have to tell people how I haven't kept to any of them. But, this year will be different. I will make it so.

Snow ♥

I love the snow. What I don't like about it though is the cold and it stopping me from getting to places -.-
Where I live, I've been getting much more snow then most of Dublin, seeing as I live at the bottom of a fucking mountain xD but anyways, I thought I'd post some pictures I've taken of the pretty snow :)

It's been a while...

So alot has happened since I last wrote. It seems a whole lifetime ago.
I've made up with friends, nearly lost others, made new ones who I know for sure I can trust completely. I've also gotten closer to some, while drifting away from others. Some I will miss very much so, but I know it will be for the best in the long run.

You can't rely on people to always be there for you, this is something I found out quite recently. People lie and cheat and back stab, but its all part of being human I suppose. I know I can be unbearable to be around sometimes, let alone talk to, which is why when I found out last week that one of my best friends is manic depressive, I could potentially be too. We are so similar, in every way. We could pass as the same person in some things. The thought of being manic depressive scares me, but also it relieves me. I will finally know what's actually wrong with me, and I'll actually be able to get help.

After all these years, now is the time when I know I really need it. There is too much for me to have to deal with, and that's not even starting to think about my leaving cert. I push things away and into the back of mind, and I'm genuinely okay for a while after doing that. But then it all comes out and it's horrific. I scare myself let alone anybody else. How anyone has stuck by me all this time is beyond me, especially him. Even though he's not there now, I know he would be if he could. He's my best friend and I love him more then I can explain to anyone, or even begin to try and get them to understand.

Everyone thinks that I'm an idiot for still loving him, but love isn't something you can just forget or get over. I know he was/is the one I should be with because he is the one who makes me feel safe, and alive. Now don't get me wrong, I do like other people, and I would go out with other people, but I know nothing will ever be like it was with him. I will go out with other people, I'm sure I will, and I'm sure it will be fantastic and fun, but I'm not sure anybody will be able to accept me the way I am. I'm not sure anybody will be able to handle the insane mood swings and me lashing out the way I do at everyone. I'm sure that most people won't understand the way I think at all, or the way I see things, because I only know two people in my life to ever understand them, and understand me, especially when I'm in one of those moods where I can say things that I don't mean and don't make sense. I know that if I don't get help, I will lose everyone and everything, but most of all I'll lose him. And I won't let that happen. Even if it kills me.

Just Tonight.

Nothing seems to make sense anymore... I think one thing and in my head it makes sense... But then when it actually comes to doing that... It fucks up. It ends up making no sense and can then lead to making things worse with people when I was trying to make it better. You'd think that things would work out eventually, what with the saying "Good things come to those who wait", but it doesn't seem to always work that way... I would really love to know why people say that all the time, when it's not really true.

You Make Me Wanna Die.

I hate how much I need other people to be okay. I hate needing other peoples approval all the time, I hate needing to know what my friends think of me. Most of all I hate the effect the idea of losing you forever has on me. I thought I was going to be yours again. I thought I almost kind of was. But I'm really not. How could I be that stupid? Why do I always do this to myself? After everytime this happens, I promise myself I won't let myself so that ahain, I promise myself I'll keep myself together. And I do try. I try very hard. I just don't seem to have the strenght to stop myself from self-destructing. Maybe I just need to leave...

Fuck Off World.

I hate this. I was going so well for ages. I was actually borderline happy. I loved it. It made me feel okay again. And then it all cam crashing down. Such small things made my life fall apart at the seems again. I hate it. I wanted it to be it, I wanted to be able to say I was happy without worrying about when my world would crash again. I can't find clothes that fit me. I found out my uncle could potentially be dying from something I never knew he had, and then this morning I found out shit... I thought I mattered to some people. It doesn't really seem that way anymore. People don't need me to be happy, even if they say they do. It's pretty clear and obvious for me now that nobody reeeeally needs me, they just like having me around for when they may think they need me there for them. It's only sometimes. Only sometimes. Never all the time. If the world is so determined for me to be unhappy then maybe I should just stop trying to be.

GAAAAH.

I want him. I want him more then ever right now. I don't know why I want him so bad now. Why now it's any different. But it is different. It's very different. I want to be his again, to be able to go out with him and hold his hand. To be able to hug him and be held by him and not worry about what people are gonna say about it. I don't want to think about what anyone thinks about it. I don't want to have this thing, whatever it is, stopping me from being with him again... I want to stop having this conflict in my head. I need to sort this out... Badly. And very soon... >_< I need help...

Going Backwards...

I fear I'm going backwards... No matter how hard I try to change and stay strong and stay how I feel happier... I always go back to my old ways... I manage to take one step forward... And then take about a million steps backward... Back to where I started... For example: I was able to get on with my life and begin to forget certain people and not let them bother me. Now, after yesterday, I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to continue with it... As much as I really want to... I feel like just giving in to some people so I won't have this guilt or whatever that I get in certain situations anymore. I hate feeling guilty over things I do for myself... So I get to be happy rather then be miserable while everyone else is happy. I don't want to fall back into the same patterns I'm so used to. I want to be able to do things for myself for once and not feel bad or guilty if somebody isn't happy with a decision I've made... I just can't help it... Maybe I'll always be this way. Maybe I can't change it permanently and I'll just have to learn to accept and deal with it... I don't know what to do anymore...

Time For A New Blog Me Thinks.

It's been quite a while since I've written a blog, I just haven't been inspired by anything lately. But last night I felt like I had something to write about again. It feels like so much has happened since August and when I think about it, it kind of has. I turned 18, I got rid of one person who was toxic for me, working on a second one now xD I'm in my last year of school now and I'm trying my best to do all the work I need to. I had a huge fight and almost lost one of my closest friends, I was pretty devastated for a while when all that was going on, but last Saturday I decided I needed to open up a bit more. Maybe not trust exactly, but be able to not focus on so much negative stuff. I've been doing fairly well on that since. We made up and everythings okay again. :) although I don't feel like I trust him fully again just yet, it's better then how it was before. I have made things better with many of my friends that I felt I had pushed away. I have a new outlook on life now. I don't mope around so much, like I used to. I don't feel the need to hide things from certain people. I can trust people more now, but not as many as I'd like to be able. Basically I'm more optimistic. Which is AWESOME!

So... There's this girl Alley. I have written about her before... In one of my first blongs actually. Ronan was introducing me to her. Well.. Over the summer I got to know her, not as well as I'd have liked but still, it's better then nothing. She's awesome. She's so like me. She's fun too. I don't know how we never became friends before this... But anyways... I like her. I like her a fair bit. And I'm trying this new thing where I'm completely honest with people from now on. So I told her that I like her. I timed it so she wouldn't text me back. (She has no credit or free texts) I find that was the best way I ever told anyone I liked them. I didn't get worried when they didn't reply. I didn't start thinking "Oh shit, what if I just ruined our friendship?" I was, and still am, really calm about it all. And it's awesome. I'm not gonna hound her into talking to me about what I text her cause it most definitely would not help anything. It would pressuer her, and that's the last thing I want to do. We'll see where it goes. xD

Something else that I have come to accept. I do love Ronan. My feelings for him aren't any less then they were. And he still loves me too. We may not be together now, or for a very long time either, but he still loves me. And I believe that we will always have something. We will always have a bond that's different to anything I have ever had with anyone else, and I doubt I will have with anyone else. Our friendship is special, and I'm going to keep him in my life, even if it just means keeping him as a friend.

Man I'm getting really deep now xD

Ugh. Bloody Stress Of Some People.

Some people annoy the shit out of me. I try my best to keep myself away from people that are bad for me or that are bitchy and two faced or whatever. But no matter how hard I try to I somehow always keep hearing about them and getting involved in situations to do with them. If I'm not making an effort to talk to or about someone then it should be obvious I don't want anything to do with them, right? I hate getting involved in things that make me feel shit. I refuse to keep letting people involve me in shit that I don't have anything to do with. People suck.

Mistakes...

Do you ever get that feeling after you've gotten rid of a person from your life, that it was the wrong thing to do? Even though personally you feel much better and not so stressed out? Do you ever feel guilty after doing something for yourself at someone elses expense? Yeah I have that right now... This girl was a liar, a cheat, an attention seeker in my eyes, and didn't seem to have any shame whatsoever... Yet now she seems to miss me.. Even though I don't know her 3 months... And now I feel bad about it? What the fuck is up with that? Seriously... I shouldn't feel bad. I shouldn't feel anything. She was pretty much a bitch. And now I fucking feel bad! I hate this. It's fucking bullshit! It should not be like this. I should not feel anything like this. I should just be able to not care. I thought I was indifferent about this entire situation, but apparantly I'm not. Fuck sake... And now I don't know what to do about this? Ugh... I hate being so bloody nice about stuff like this... Oh well, I guess it'll work out itself right? Well here's to hoping.

Friends ♥

So the past few days have been kinda hard for me for some reason.. It's been easy for me to cry, which is odd for me seeing as over the past two or so years its taken something incredibly bad or whatnot to set me off.. But the past few nights it has been small little things like feeling alone or missing someone. I miss my friends. I feel like I'm losing some of them, ones I'd really like to keep in my life. Today and yesterday have made me realise I'm not really losing everyone, it's all in my head. I have the most amazing friends and I just really need to realise that they are my friends, they are here to help me out or talk to me, they are there for me, like I am for them. I have to stop needing reminders for that. I should be able to accept I do deserve the friends I have, that I do deserve to be happy. I still can't, not yet, not fully. I don't know why exactly, but I'm getting there. I know I should be allowed to be happy... I also know I should put myself first sometimes and I'm slowly starting to do that. For the first time in my life I'm able to take time just for me. And I think the friends I currently have help and let me do that. I need time for me daily, and when it comes to that, my friends understand as well as encourage it. And I am extremely greatful for that.

Something else the friends I have now have helped me do is get rid of anyone that may have been causeing me stress, making me feel worthless, making me feel like I don't deserve to be happy, anyone that was making me feel bad about myself, my friends gave me the strength and the courage to get the out. If anyone makes you feel any of those things, or even worse, then they don't deserve to know you. I have dealt with liars, cheats, back stabbers, two faced people all my life, and I don't need them. I don't need any of that in my life. I am a strong person, whether thats something I believe all the time, or only occassionally doesn't matter, because I know I am strong. And if I need someone out of my life for whatever reason, I will get them out of my life. I will cut them out of my life for good. My friends have made me a better person, made me stronger, and made me realise who I am, or becoming.

This blog is about my friends. I don't think I should name any because they should know who they are. If any of you are reading this, I love you and I don't ever want you to not be in my life. :)

Dreams.

So. This blog is going to be about dreams. My dreams in particular obvioiusly. So the dreams I have rarely differ in what happens in them, like I'm being stalked, or ignored, or raped, or someone is trying to kill me, or someone blames me for everything... Most of them end with my death, and I have no idea how or why this happens. It's not like I'm exactly depressed at the moment, but I suppose it doesn't really matter how I'm feeling, they always seem to end up like that. The most recent dreams I have been having always have the same two people in it, excluding me. I don't really know why, but they do. The last one I had, it was mainly just me and this one person, who is very close to me, being chased to the point where we're stuck in a small room, with some crazy person banging on the door trying to get them back and keep them away from me. These dreams are the worst. They make me live me deepest fears, as well as my greatest wants or whatever you'd say for that... When I wake up from them it can be difficult to distinguish whether it was reality or a dream. And that is the worst part of it all. It's worse then the dreams. Maybe they mean something? I don't know... I honestly don't know what a professional would say, let alone think of my dreams... I don't know if I'd need to have medication, or there's nothing they could do to help them. I don't even know if I want them to stop... Just to have a few 'normal' dreams, none where I die... Or none where anything super crazy or bad happens... Just a dream where I do normal things... Or something... I dunno... I guess there's nothing I can really do but oh well... I'll just have to learn to live with them...

Hi, My name is Saoirse, and I scare boys. :)

What I have come to notice recently is that I have the ability to scare the male gender. Me. An innocent looking, 5'5 girl, who isnt exactly extremely strong. If you saw me on the street you wouldn't look twice, and thats just how I am... But what I have noticed is that I have a scary temper, that when I even think about it after, it shocks me... I guess it does show me that I am not what peopel expect, that I'm something that people dont think or even realise I am.. I like that. I suppose it means that nobody will really know me until they see that part... And if they still want to know me after that, then I know iI won't ever really lose them... Which is a very comforting thought... I know for sure that there is one person I will not lose, ever, which reassures me that if he won't ever leave, then maybe other people won't either... Like obviously every relationship has their own issues and nothing is ever perfect in any relationship, whether it be a friendship or a romantic one, but if the bond is strong enough and both people value it enough, there can be a time when there's a fight, and it looks like its all over... And there can be no talking for whoever long, but it can be sorted out, and then its all okay again. The only way things will ever end between two people is if they both don't want to sort anything out, or if neither value the relationship enough to try anymore... Thats the sadest thing about the human race, the fact that people are so stubborn that they'd throw away an amazing friend, or an amazing boyfriend/girlfriend, just to prove that they're not 'weak' or that they are 'right', so basically, over being stupid or pathetic and not wanting to bother to save what they have or had. This is how most friendships and relationships are ended and its just... Very sad...

Girls. :/

Why is it that the majority of girls in todays society either turn out to be huge sluts, or always set themselves up for disaster and hurt? There are those girls you see and you just know they're only looking for sex, and will get with whoever they need to so they can get it, and then there are those girls who are uber happy, but then get scared and just... End what they have by letting their happiness leave, or even worse, just throw it away. The only balance seems to be those few girls who will be with a few people, maybe not get serious, or not let their happiness get throw away by them, or the one person who seems to make them happy. They will pick themselves back up off the ground, and then they let themselves be happy again because they know they really deserve it. Everyone deserves to be happy and I don't think everyone believes that yet. The girls who'll sleep with anyone seem to have such low self esteem that they need to know they're wanted by guys. And the ones who set themselves up for disaster? There's no explaining needed for them. I believe everyone needs that one person who will help them believe they are beautiful no matter what, that they deserve to be loved, and that they deserve to be happy. I think that once you find that person, once you know you're able to get all these things, it's hard to forget that all these things are within your grasp. You will never stop fighting for them, you will never give up. That's what being human is right? Never giving up, and fighting for what you believe in...

July - A Complete New Start. A Fresh New Me.

So what I have decided is I need to be more selfish and stop putting everybody else first. I need to get rid of all the drama and shit out of my life and mend things that need to be mended... I need to take a break from people and not get so emotionally involved with certain people and in certain situations, it never does me any good. So I've done the hardest thing I've probably ever done and that's told somebody I can't be their friend for a while... I don't know how they're going to take it... And it scares me cause I shouldn't hurt people like that, but I need to learn how to if I'm going to go through life, keeping people that are important to me, and having good friends that will stay with me through the good times, and the bad... I need more people like that. And I really hope I have found some people like that recently. Sandy, Niamh, Jess, Justin, Kibby ♥

I have also gotten back in contact with a few people and I'm overly happy about that. You never really know what amazing people you have in your life untill they're gone for a while... But I now have them back and I honestly do not know what I'd do if I ever lost them for good. Saoirse, Sophie, Emily, I love you guys forever ♥

Lately I've been missing someone more and more and I honestly never thought I would... They hurt me. But they were my best friend for almost three years... And you'll always miss a best friend, no matter what happened between you's, and with that, I kind of think she may miss me too... So I want to talk to her again, maybe be friends again, but I'm scared. I'm scared I'll get hurt again by her... She seems to have changed from what I've heard and what people have told me... So what I've decided to do is to mail her on facebook. I don't want to text her because that could be more pressure on her.. Plus she could have a different number now.. But I will try.

I don't want to have fears in my life anymore. I've been afraid of many things for far too long and I want them gone. I want to be a strong person, someone I could be proud of, and someone other people, like my friends and family could be proud of. I refuse to be the person who gets pushed around and walked on anymore, I will not let other people influence my moods and thoughts and actions. I need to be me now, I need to be Saoirse again. And that is starting from now.

Ugh, people...

Okay I'm done trying to be there for people who just don't bother... Today I have pretty much lost a best friend. It sucks because she is blaming me for everything and saying its all my fault when its her aswell.. I don't know how it came to this but maybe its for the best? No I highly doubt that.. She was always there and always such good fun but it seems that the past few weeks its been a one sided friendship... She's been going to parties from school and hasn't said anything about them to me. :/ I find this odd cause she was always the one asking me to go with her and telling me about the parties... Now it's just gone and nothings there anymore... I really don't know why this keeps happening to me, like it's not like I'm a bitch or anything... I was always there for her as much as I could be and when I really needed her recently she wasn't there... I just don't get it anymore.. We lost contact last summer and it sucked so bad... Especially with everything that happened too... And we sorted it out and things were all okay again and we were grand then up till now... She thinks I've changed but even if I have, she has too but I'm not complaining about it.. I think that if she wants to change she should be allowed to.. I thought she'd be the same... This is just so sucky... I need better people around me... :(

Crazy crazy crazy...

This week has been fairly full on.. It's odd to think that almost a year ago I thought I'd lost him forever... :/ But this week I've had it proven to me that I will never really lose him, regardless of what happens... He was always there when everyone else left and promised me he always will be there... He keeps proving me that he's keeping his promise to me that he will never let me go... And that just makes it hard for me to want to get with a guy... >_< Its awful.. But thank shit I'm bi-sexual :D

Yesterday was my first day of work experience and it was AWESOME! I got to be in a film thing they're doing for Dublin Firefighters training something something... I was basically lying on a bed for the entire time :D AND! I got paid 8 quid for it, hella yeah. :) It was awesome... The downside to yesterday was I felt shit the entire day and so many times i thought I could throw up D: Not nice...
Today was um... Eventful. o.O I went with my mom to pick up my sister from the hospital after she'd gotten her tonsils out, she's doing surprisingly awesome which rocks... The downside to me not feeling well today? I nearly passed out in the hospital >_< I was really lucky though in a way cause the nurse was talking to my mom beside me. It was a fairly evenful day :)

Last night... It was oddly nice even though I was feeling shit and couldn't sleep... Ronan stayed up with me for alot of it... It was nice cause I knew he had stuff to do today... He doesn't think I owe him anything but in all honesty I'd be nowhere near where I am right now without him. I probably wouldn't even be here so I do owe him alot... Since he doesn't really want me to do anything for him I'm going to draw him something while he's away. That way he won't see it by accident if he came over :) I really hope it turns out good though and he likes it >_< He's never really seen any of my drawings o.O
Something else that was uber awesome about last night is that he said I should hang out with him and his friends in town tomorrow and then go back to his for pizza. It was really cool cause he's gonna introduce me to Alley. I used to be so jealous of her cause he wanted to be with her.. But I realised nothing will take away from what I have with him... It should be awesome cause he said she's quite like me in ways and she's gonna need a friend for over the summer while peoples are away and at CTYI and stuffs... Like I will.. :) He did also say to me that I deserve someone who won't decide to fuck me over, I agree completely, and he thinks Alley is that person. I do hope it works out and she likes me >_< It'll uber suck if she doesn't but oh well...

I have now come to the conclusion that I do not want to have a boyfriend. I don't think I'll ever get or have what I want again with a guy unless it's with him again... :/ But I'm very happy to get a girlfriend since the only one I've had has fucked me over repeatedly. I shall not go out looking for someone but if something happens with a girl and I end up liking them and they end up liking me then... I don't see any problem with that... :)

The Joys of Summer...

So today was, well... Different. I went for a job interview type thing for the summer and got two days a week for work experience to start off with.. It could turn into a job, who knows.. The guys that worked there were uber cool and seemed very laid back, I could totally be in that environment... I start this Thursday and we're going out on a shoot.. It should be amazingly awesome. Especially since they said they may need someone to be a patient in the "film" (I don't know what you'd call it) and they looked at me :) it'd be cool if I got that ^_^ It's every Thursday and Friday over the summer so at least its going to give me something to do, thats always a plus...

Anyways, things with my parents are just so weird it seems surreal. It all feels like a bad dream for me... One that I can't seem to wake up from.. I'm so thankful though that I have Ronan.. He's so amazing and has helped me through so much, and is helping me through this.. He's offered for me to stay at his tomorrow so I can get away and I am definietly going to try and stay. I have always wanted to spend the night with him, just cause he's so awesome.. But also spending time away from my house will be good for me.. And if it's with him it'll be better cause I can really be myself with him... He promised he'd let me cry if I need to.. <3

Besides all that, I got my school report today.. It wasn't too bad although my mom was disappointed with sport but its only sport and who gives a crap about that? Well clearly people do, alot of people do but I'm not one of them much to my mothers disappointment... Oh well... I rocked in music and that was awesome, I got 84% on my end of year exam and, fuck yes, but that rocks. :)

I'm going to Wexford this weekend.. I'm going to be staying with my ex which should be interesting... She's awesome and all but claims she loves me... She really doesn't though.. I really don't think she's ever experienced it before... :/ Oh well.. It should make an interesting few days... Lots of fun for me anyway xD which is very muchly needed... :) I just hope I don't make a balls of it though like I usually do... Here's to hoping...

Random Thoughts...

So I've decided to make a blog... I'm not quite sure why since any blog I have written previously has somehow gotten me into trouble... I'm hoping this will be different...

So its now summer yet I'm feeling so alone to previous ones its feeling odd... It seems that my friends are drifting away from me no matter how hard I try to hold on to them... And they don't seem to be affected by that at all... It hurts but I guess I've dealt with it before so I can deal with it again right? There are those few people though who I have recently had the privilage of knowing. Those few have promised they will stay in my life and always be there for me as I have them... Darragh is amoung those people and he asked me to mention him xD I have gotten close to him recently and its awesome. He is a great friend and an amazing person and I do hope he sticks around for longer then most people have :)

So I haven't liked the way I look for a while now... I don't remember a time when I really loved it, so that's why I have decided to go for a complete image change this summer. I want to feel comfortable with how I look and how people see me. I want to exercise and feel good about myself because I know I deserve to have that small little thing out of life, I know that thats the least i deserve so I refuse to complain about it and let my mothers little remarks affect me the way they do.

I'm turning 18 this summer and it scares the shit out of me... I don't want to have all these things expected of me. I don't want to disappoint anyone, even if they disappoint me sometimes... I know people say you can only do your best and don't worry or whatever but if its not good enough for them, then thats where the disappointment comes in right?

Anyway, on the positive side, it is summer, I don't have to worry about my LC or school. This summer is whatever I make of it and this is the last weekend where i stay at home, in an environment where I feel repressed and uncomfortable. This summer will be different. Its going to be a good summer.