It's been a while...

So alot has happened since I last wrote. It seems a whole lifetime ago.
I've made up with friends, nearly lost others, made new ones who I know for sure I can trust completely. I've also gotten closer to some, while drifting away from others. Some I will miss very much so, but I know it will be for the best in the long run.

You can't rely on people to always be there for you, this is something I found out quite recently. People lie and cheat and back stab, but its all part of being human I suppose. I know I can be unbearable to be around sometimes, let alone talk to, which is why when I found out last week that one of my best friends is manic depressive, I could potentially be too. We are so similar, in every way. We could pass as the same person in some things. The thought of being manic depressive scares me, but also it relieves me. I will finally know what's actually wrong with me, and I'll actually be able to get help.

After all these years, now is the time when I know I really need it. There is too much for me to have to deal with, and that's not even starting to think about my leaving cert. I push things away and into the back of mind, and I'm genuinely okay for a while after doing that. But then it all comes out and it's horrific. I scare myself let alone anybody else. How anyone has stuck by me all this time is beyond me, especially him. Even though he's not there now, I know he would be if he could. He's my best friend and I love him more then I can explain to anyone, or even begin to try and get them to understand.

Everyone thinks that I'm an idiot for still loving him, but love isn't something you can just forget or get over. I know he was/is the one I should be with because he is the one who makes me feel safe, and alive. Now don't get me wrong, I do like other people, and I would go out with other people, but I know nothing will ever be like it was with him. I will go out with other people, I'm sure I will, and I'm sure it will be fantastic and fun, but I'm not sure anybody will be able to accept me the way I am. I'm not sure anybody will be able to handle the insane mood swings and me lashing out the way I do at everyone. I'm sure that most people won't understand the way I think at all, or the way I see things, because I only know two people in my life to ever understand them, and understand me, especially when I'm in one of those moods where I can say things that I don't mean and don't make sense. I know that if I don't get help, I will lose everyone and everything, but most of all I'll lose him. And I won't let that happen. Even if it kills me.