Been a few months.

So it's been a few months sine I've last written a blog so I thought now would be a good time for a new one. To be honest I feel like so much has happened, I don't even know where to start. I've seen the real side to certain people, I've gotten back in contact with old friends, made new ones who are much better for me, and the most scary/important thing that's happened? My leaving cert has officially started and I feel so unprepared for it that I've gone past caring. I'm ready for school to be done. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready for new people. I'll probably new get over some of the things that have happened to me, and you know what? I think I'm okay with that. They've made me the person I am today, even if I am a little crazy... Okay more then a little. Sometimes I'm not okay with who I am, mostly I'm not. I'm insecure, I mess up a lot, I'm clumsy, I'm shy, I'm paranoid, I'm jumpy, I'm pesimistic, I'm lazy, I think too much, I care too much, I'm not able to stand up for myself as much as I need to. But all of this makes me, me. Love me or hate me, it's not really going to phase me. The only things that seem to phase me nowadays are people who lie to me, cheat, back stab me, are completely two faced, people who dwell on their mistakes, people who make out they're better then everybody else, and people who constantly do the same things that hurt themselves. I used to do many of these things, I still do one, but I guess I wouldn't be the same if I didn't. I want to change who I am. I want to change how I look, how I act, I want more confidence in myself.
I'm suicidal one minute, on top of the world the next. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, I'm too afraid to find out. I have trouble letting go of people, even if they've hurt me. I have trouble trusting new people, trouble trusting old friends. I am, however, gettting better at it. I'm learning to pick out the people who truely are worth fighting for, and the people who are just wasting my time. I thought I was able to tell already, but my instincts let me down. Suppose it wasn't the first time though. You will always meet people who will let you down, no matter where you are, where you're from or even who you are. It's something we all have to eventually accept. I don't know whats going to happen in the next few weeks, all I know is I'm going to try and make the most of it. I won't second guess myself. If I want to do something, I will do it. If I want to see someone, I will do my damned best to see them. If I want something, my god I will try to get it. And lastly, if I want someone, I will not let myself be held back by any worries or scares I may have. I'm living for myself, I always have been. I just never realised it before that you're the only one you're able to rely on every day. There is only one of me, and contrary to my mind, people to give a shit about me. People do still love me after I mess shit up. People do still want me around, even if I don't want to be around myself...
Saoirse, out.

Trapped.

Lately I've been feeling trapped. By everyone. In everything. I'm trapped by my parents with school, tv, the internet, bed. I'm trapped by school with the amount of study and homework I have to do. Right now I'm trapped by being sick. I can't go outside and see my friends. I can't go outside just for a walk. I can't go outside to get away from my life. I can't disappear into the world of my book seeing as I don't have the next one. I don't have the money to get the next one, nor can I go out to get the next one cause I'm sick.

I have now gotten to the point of being trapped where I don't even want to try and get away from everything. Anytime I seem to try something goes wrong. I get sick, or I have too much to do at home or with school. I haven't seen any of my friends in a week, and I've only talked to one of them during that time. I want to get out. Sometimes I just sit and look out my window with music playing in the background, wishing I was somewhere else. No matter where you are, the sky will always be the same sky right? That's something that never really changes. I guess I'm looking for a change in my life, a huge change. I keep myself in this little cycle of doing really well in everything, and then BAM! It all falls apart and I can't seem to get back ontop of anything. I stay in my little hole, digging deeper and deeper, not able to get out, until something is said to me. Usually by you. I hate this cycle, and they only way I can see it breaking is if I get away. If I go somewhere so far away and nobody knows where I am.

What happens to my head when I'm sick.

I wonder if I come on too strong.. I wonder if I do do that, if it makes people shy away... Or that it turns them off or something. If I do, how do I know? How do I stop that? Cause I'm pretty sure it will scare people away, people I'd prefer to keep in my life, rather then lose them. So how do I be more relaxed about things? About liking people?

Sometimes I think there's is something very wrong with me. My life isn't overly bad, yet I get desperately depressed sometimes. I don't even know what would set if off for me either. Maybe I'll figure it out if I think about it more? Or maybe I'll just get even more out of control. I dunno anymore. Nothing really makes sense to me anymore. My dreams are blurred with reality, and I don't know how to distinguish between them anymore. Oh well. I don't really think I can do much about that can I?

This all happens when I'm sick, because I always end up with way too much time on my hands. And when I have way too much time on my hands, I think too much. And that is never good for anyone... Especailly me.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be any easier if I had never met you. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be here if I'd never met you. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be different to how I am now if I'd ever met you. Sometimes I wonder if I'd still be where I was 4 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be as paranoid as I am now, or still have the mood swings if I'd never met you. I wonder if my life would be better if I had never ran into you 3 and a half years ago. There's so many things I wonder about how my life would be different if you'd never walked in to it. But I don't care. I love that you're still sticking around after everything thats happened. I love how you understand why I do the things I do. I love how we can still be the same around each other like nearly nothing has changed, like we're still the best of friends. I know we are still best friends, but it's hard thinking of you being with her, thinking of you loving her the way you used to love me. But I'm happy for you. I'm happy you've found that again, I'm happy that you're happy, even though it's not with me. I wish it was though, even after all of this time, I still wish it was me. :/
I wonder if I will ever find someone I feel the way I feel about you. In some way I hope I don't. I don't want to have what I had with you with anyone else. Maybe that's me being stupid, or silly, but it's true. I don't want what I had with you with anybody else. Only you. I love you, and I probably always will. In every way possible. <3

Wonderland.

Sometimes I believe I live in a different reality to everyone else. I see things differently, think about things differently, and do things very differently.

I get sudden life changing realisations from songs. I fall in love with people in books. I sometimes feel like I know people in books. I cry at books when someone dies because it feels so real to me.

I completely break down at the most random times. I don't dwell on things that still scare the living shit out of me. I think about how I have had amazing memories, but worry I may never have them again. I cry at Disney movies because I get happy memories. I have to think twice about whether I'm dreaming sometimes. I'm able to remember the most trivial things, but forget important things.

Most importantly, I'm able to live in a world where you're still the way you were. I still live in a world where you still love me the way you did. I live in my head, I live in my head because I know it's safe. I know the only thing that can hurt me in there is me. And I know exactly how not to hurt myself in there.

Seize the Day

Earlier this evening I was in the best mood ever, due to the fact I was currently talking to my best friend who I hadn't talked with in ages. It was a really nice change from the severely depressed state I was in for the entire day.

Not even an hour ago I was lying in bed listening to Avenged Sevenfold, while pondering about my life and how I can help my bedt friend out in a current situation he's in. All of a sudden Seize the Day came on. This is a song that my ex, and my current best friend in the entire world, had sent lyrics to me which led to me falling in love with this band. This song has always had that amazing memory of him attatched to it, but it always made me cry, seeing as he sent it to me when we were apart, and once we'd broken up, reminded me of what I'd let slip away. Tonight it held a completely different meaning to me. It made me think about my life and how I have been living it. Or for a better way of puttint it, how I haven't been living it. I have lived a very eventful life, very poorly. I have not seen the best in it, only the worst, and I always dwelled on those bad things. This put me in a state of hating my life completely, and various attempts at changing it or ending it. However, rather then this song making me cry, it made me realise how short life is.

I need to stop hiding behind things. Especially my emotions, or lack there of. My natural emotional state isn't happy, it never has been, but it far from depressed. It's taken me 18 years to figure that one out, but I'm very glad I have. I will still get my fucked up and scary mood swings, but I can help myself. I can make sure they become less severe for my emotional well being by not bottling them up, and letting them go further then the walls I have built around my mind, as well as the walls of my room.

From now on I will be just me, and nobody else. I will show people my emotions, even the scary ones. I will let myself have fun with my friends because I know I deserve it. I will not let trust, or lack or trust, control my every move and friendship, because that's gotten me nowhere so far. I will let myself scream if I need to. I will let myself break things if I need to. I will let myself fight if I need to. All of these things, these will be me letting people see my emotions, and if they think I'm a bitch because of it? They won't have a place in my life anymore, because I don't need shitheads like that anymore. I will be the me that I am comfortable with, the me I really am. I can finally accept that this is who I am, and whether I like that or not is irrelevant. The first step to happiness is accepting who you are, just as you are right? And I think, that if people don't like who I truely am, they can fuck off a cliff, because quite frankly, I could not care less anyway. :)

2011

Everyone always says how they're going to change in 2011. They make plans and resolutions, but never stick to them. I used to be one of these people, however, this year, I won't be making any resolutions or plans. This year is the year I plan nothing. I won't be planning anything because I won't feel like I have failed at anything. I'm not making any resolutions, so I won't have to tell people how I haven't kept to any of them. But, this year will be different. I will make it so.