Earlier this evening I was in the best mood ever, due to the fact I was currently talking to my best friend who I hadn't talked with in ages. It was a really nice change from the severely depressed state I was in for the entire day.
Not even an hour ago I was lying in bed listening to Avenged Sevenfold, while pondering about my life and how I can help my bedt friend out in a current situation he's in. All of a sudden Seize the Day came on. This is a song that my ex, and my current best friend in the entire world, had sent lyrics to me which led to me falling in love with this band. This song has always had that amazing memory of him attatched to it, but it always made me cry, seeing as he sent it to me when we were apart, and once we'd broken up, reminded me of what I'd let slip away. Tonight it held a completely different meaning to me. It made me think about my life and how I have been living it. Or for a better way of puttint it, how I haven't been living it. I have lived a very eventful life, very poorly. I have not seen the best in it, only the worst, and I always dwelled on those bad things. This put me in a state of hating my life completely, and various attempts at changing it or ending it. However, rather then this song making me cry, it made me realise how short life is.
I need to stop hiding behind things. Especially my emotions, or lack there of. My natural emotional state isn't happy, it never has been, but it far from depressed. It's taken me 18 years to figure that one out, but I'm very glad I have. I will still get my fucked up and scary mood swings, but I can help myself. I can make sure they become less severe for my emotional well being by not bottling them up, and letting them go further then the walls I have built around my mind, as well as the walls of my room.
From now on I will be just me, and nobody else. I will show people my emotions, even the scary ones. I will let myself have fun with my friends because I know I deserve it. I will not let trust, or lack or trust, control my every move and friendship, because that's gotten me nowhere so far. I will let myself scream if I need to. I will let myself break things if I need to. I will let myself fight if I need to. All of these things, these will be me letting people see my emotions, and if they think I'm a bitch because of it? They won't have a place in my life anymore, because I don't need shitheads like that anymore. I will be the me that I am comfortable with, the me I really am. I can finally accept that this is who I am, and whether I like that or not is irrelevant. The first step to happiness is accepting who you are, just as you are right? And I think, that if people don't like who I truely am, they can fuck off a cliff, because quite frankly, I could not care less anyway. :)
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