Ugh, people...

Okay I'm done trying to be there for people who just don't bother... Today I have pretty much lost a best friend. It sucks because she is blaming me for everything and saying its all my fault when its her aswell.. I don't know how it came to this but maybe its for the best? No I highly doubt that.. She was always there and always such good fun but it seems that the past few weeks its been a one sided friendship... She's been going to parties from school and hasn't said anything about them to me. :/ I find this odd cause she was always the one asking me to go with her and telling me about the parties... Now it's just gone and nothings there anymore... I really don't know why this keeps happening to me, like it's not like I'm a bitch or anything... I was always there for her as much as I could be and when I really needed her recently she wasn't there... I just don't get it anymore.. We lost contact last summer and it sucked so bad... Especially with everything that happened too... And we sorted it out and things were all okay again and we were grand then up till now... She thinks I've changed but even if I have, she has too but I'm not complaining about it.. I think that if she wants to change she should be allowed to.. I thought she'd be the same... This is just so sucky... I need better people around me... :(

Crazy crazy crazy...

This week has been fairly full on.. It's odd to think that almost a year ago I thought I'd lost him forever... :/ But this week I've had it proven to me that I will never really lose him, regardless of what happens... He was always there when everyone else left and promised me he always will be there... He keeps proving me that he's keeping his promise to me that he will never let me go... And that just makes it hard for me to want to get with a guy... >_< Its awful.. But thank shit I'm bi-sexual :D

Yesterday was my first day of work experience and it was AWESOME! I got to be in a film thing they're doing for Dublin Firefighters training something something... I was basically lying on a bed for the entire time :D AND! I got paid 8 quid for it, hella yeah. :) It was awesome... The downside to yesterday was I felt shit the entire day and so many times i thought I could throw up D: Not nice...
Today was um... Eventful. o.O I went with my mom to pick up my sister from the hospital after she'd gotten her tonsils out, she's doing surprisingly awesome which rocks... The downside to me not feeling well today? I nearly passed out in the hospital >_< I was really lucky though in a way cause the nurse was talking to my mom beside me. It was a fairly evenful day :)

Last night... It was oddly nice even though I was feeling shit and couldn't sleep... Ronan stayed up with me for alot of it... It was nice cause I knew he had stuff to do today... He doesn't think I owe him anything but in all honesty I'd be nowhere near where I am right now without him. I probably wouldn't even be here so I do owe him alot... Since he doesn't really want me to do anything for him I'm going to draw him something while he's away. That way he won't see it by accident if he came over :) I really hope it turns out good though and he likes it >_< He's never really seen any of my drawings o.O
Something else that was uber awesome about last night is that he said I should hang out with him and his friends in town tomorrow and then go back to his for pizza. It was really cool cause he's gonna introduce me to Alley. I used to be so jealous of her cause he wanted to be with her.. But I realised nothing will take away from what I have with him... It should be awesome cause he said she's quite like me in ways and she's gonna need a friend for over the summer while peoples are away and at CTYI and stuffs... Like I will.. :) He did also say to me that I deserve someone who won't decide to fuck me over, I agree completely, and he thinks Alley is that person. I do hope it works out and she likes me >_< It'll uber suck if she doesn't but oh well...

I have now come to the conclusion that I do not want to have a boyfriend. I don't think I'll ever get or have what I want again with a guy unless it's with him again... :/ But I'm very happy to get a girlfriend since the only one I've had has fucked me over repeatedly. I shall not go out looking for someone but if something happens with a girl and I end up liking them and they end up liking me then... I don't see any problem with that... :)

The Joys of Summer...

So today was, well... Different. I went for a job interview type thing for the summer and got two days a week for work experience to start off with.. It could turn into a job, who knows.. The guys that worked there were uber cool and seemed very laid back, I could totally be in that environment... I start this Thursday and we're going out on a shoot.. It should be amazingly awesome. Especially since they said they may need someone to be a patient in the "film" (I don't know what you'd call it) and they looked at me :) it'd be cool if I got that ^_^ It's every Thursday and Friday over the summer so at least its going to give me something to do, thats always a plus...

Anyways, things with my parents are just so weird it seems surreal. It all feels like a bad dream for me... One that I can't seem to wake up from.. I'm so thankful though that I have Ronan.. He's so amazing and has helped me through so much, and is helping me through this.. He's offered for me to stay at his tomorrow so I can get away and I am definietly going to try and stay. I have always wanted to spend the night with him, just cause he's so awesome.. But also spending time away from my house will be good for me.. And if it's with him it'll be better cause I can really be myself with him... He promised he'd let me cry if I need to.. <3

Besides all that, I got my school report today.. It wasn't too bad although my mom was disappointed with sport but its only sport and who gives a crap about that? Well clearly people do, alot of people do but I'm not one of them much to my mothers disappointment... Oh well... I rocked in music and that was awesome, I got 84% on my end of year exam and, fuck yes, but that rocks. :)

I'm going to Wexford this weekend.. I'm going to be staying with my ex which should be interesting... She's awesome and all but claims she loves me... She really doesn't though.. I really don't think she's ever experienced it before... :/ Oh well.. It should make an interesting few days... Lots of fun for me anyway xD which is very muchly needed... :) I just hope I don't make a balls of it though like I usually do... Here's to hoping...

Random Thoughts...

So I've decided to make a blog... I'm not quite sure why since any blog I have written previously has somehow gotten me into trouble... I'm hoping this will be different...

So its now summer yet I'm feeling so alone to previous ones its feeling odd... It seems that my friends are drifting away from me no matter how hard I try to hold on to them... And they don't seem to be affected by that at all... It hurts but I guess I've dealt with it before so I can deal with it again right? There are those few people though who I have recently had the privilage of knowing. Those few have promised they will stay in my life and always be there for me as I have them... Darragh is amoung those people and he asked me to mention him xD I have gotten close to him recently and its awesome. He is a great friend and an amazing person and I do hope he sticks around for longer then most people have :)

So I haven't liked the way I look for a while now... I don't remember a time when I really loved it, so that's why I have decided to go for a complete image change this summer. I want to feel comfortable with how I look and how people see me. I want to exercise and feel good about myself because I know I deserve to have that small little thing out of life, I know that thats the least i deserve so I refuse to complain about it and let my mothers little remarks affect me the way they do.

I'm turning 18 this summer and it scares the shit out of me... I don't want to have all these things expected of me. I don't want to disappoint anyone, even if they disappoint me sometimes... I know people say you can only do your best and don't worry or whatever but if its not good enough for them, then thats where the disappointment comes in right?

Anyway, on the positive side, it is summer, I don't have to worry about my LC or school. This summer is whatever I make of it and this is the last weekend where i stay at home, in an environment where I feel repressed and uncomfortable. This summer will be different. Its going to be a good summer.