Mistakes...

Do you ever get that feeling after you've gotten rid of a person from your life, that it was the wrong thing to do? Even though personally you feel much better and not so stressed out? Do you ever feel guilty after doing something for yourself at someone elses expense? Yeah I have that right now... This girl was a liar, a cheat, an attention seeker in my eyes, and didn't seem to have any shame whatsoever... Yet now she seems to miss me.. Even though I don't know her 3 months... And now I feel bad about it? What the fuck is up with that? Seriously... I shouldn't feel bad. I shouldn't feel anything. She was pretty much a bitch. And now I fucking feel bad! I hate this. It's fucking bullshit! It should not be like this. I should not feel anything like this. I should just be able to not care. I thought I was indifferent about this entire situation, but apparantly I'm not. Fuck sake... And now I don't know what to do about this? Ugh... I hate being so bloody nice about stuff like this... Oh well, I guess it'll work out itself right? Well here's to hoping.

Friends ♥

So the past few days have been kinda hard for me for some reason.. It's been easy for me to cry, which is odd for me seeing as over the past two or so years its taken something incredibly bad or whatnot to set me off.. But the past few nights it has been small little things like feeling alone or missing someone. I miss my friends. I feel like I'm losing some of them, ones I'd really like to keep in my life. Today and yesterday have made me realise I'm not really losing everyone, it's all in my head. I have the most amazing friends and I just really need to realise that they are my friends, they are here to help me out or talk to me, they are there for me, like I am for them. I have to stop needing reminders for that. I should be able to accept I do deserve the friends I have, that I do deserve to be happy. I still can't, not yet, not fully. I don't know why exactly, but I'm getting there. I know I should be allowed to be happy... I also know I should put myself first sometimes and I'm slowly starting to do that. For the first time in my life I'm able to take time just for me. And I think the friends I currently have help and let me do that. I need time for me daily, and when it comes to that, my friends understand as well as encourage it. And I am extremely greatful for that.

Something else the friends I have now have helped me do is get rid of anyone that may have been causeing me stress, making me feel worthless, making me feel like I don't deserve to be happy, anyone that was making me feel bad about myself, my friends gave me the strength and the courage to get the out. If anyone makes you feel any of those things, or even worse, then they don't deserve to know you. I have dealt with liars, cheats, back stabbers, two faced people all my life, and I don't need them. I don't need any of that in my life. I am a strong person, whether thats something I believe all the time, or only occassionally doesn't matter, because I know I am strong. And if I need someone out of my life for whatever reason, I will get them out of my life. I will cut them out of my life for good. My friends have made me a better person, made me stronger, and made me realise who I am, or becoming.

This blog is about my friends. I don't think I should name any because they should know who they are. If any of you are reading this, I love you and I don't ever want you to not be in my life. :)

Dreams.

So. This blog is going to be about dreams. My dreams in particular obvioiusly. So the dreams I have rarely differ in what happens in them, like I'm being stalked, or ignored, or raped, or someone is trying to kill me, or someone blames me for everything... Most of them end with my death, and I have no idea how or why this happens. It's not like I'm exactly depressed at the moment, but I suppose it doesn't really matter how I'm feeling, they always seem to end up like that. The most recent dreams I have been having always have the same two people in it, excluding me. I don't really know why, but they do. The last one I had, it was mainly just me and this one person, who is very close to me, being chased to the point where we're stuck in a small room, with some crazy person banging on the door trying to get them back and keep them away from me. These dreams are the worst. They make me live me deepest fears, as well as my greatest wants or whatever you'd say for that... When I wake up from them it can be difficult to distinguish whether it was reality or a dream. And that is the worst part of it all. It's worse then the dreams. Maybe they mean something? I don't know... I honestly don't know what a professional would say, let alone think of my dreams... I don't know if I'd need to have medication, or there's nothing they could do to help them. I don't even know if I want them to stop... Just to have a few 'normal' dreams, none where I die... Or none where anything super crazy or bad happens... Just a dream where I do normal things... Or something... I dunno... I guess there's nothing I can really do but oh well... I'll just have to learn to live with them...

Hi, My name is Saoirse, and I scare boys. :)

What I have come to notice recently is that I have the ability to scare the male gender. Me. An innocent looking, 5'5 girl, who isnt exactly extremely strong. If you saw me on the street you wouldn't look twice, and thats just how I am... But what I have noticed is that I have a scary temper, that when I even think about it after, it shocks me... I guess it does show me that I am not what peopel expect, that I'm something that people dont think or even realise I am.. I like that. I suppose it means that nobody will really know me until they see that part... And if they still want to know me after that, then I know iI won't ever really lose them... Which is a very comforting thought... I know for sure that there is one person I will not lose, ever, which reassures me that if he won't ever leave, then maybe other people won't either... Like obviously every relationship has their own issues and nothing is ever perfect in any relationship, whether it be a friendship or a romantic one, but if the bond is strong enough and both people value it enough, there can be a time when there's a fight, and it looks like its all over... And there can be no talking for whoever long, but it can be sorted out, and then its all okay again. The only way things will ever end between two people is if they both don't want to sort anything out, or if neither value the relationship enough to try anymore... Thats the sadest thing about the human race, the fact that people are so stubborn that they'd throw away an amazing friend, or an amazing boyfriend/girlfriend, just to prove that they're not 'weak' or that they are 'right', so basically, over being stupid or pathetic and not wanting to bother to save what they have or had. This is how most friendships and relationships are ended and its just... Very sad...