GAAAAH.

I want him. I want him more then ever right now. I don't know why I want him so bad now. Why now it's any different. But it is different. It's very different. I want to be his again, to be able to go out with him and hold his hand. To be able to hug him and be held by him and not worry about what people are gonna say about it. I don't want to think about what anyone thinks about it. I don't want to have this thing, whatever it is, stopping me from being with him again... I want to stop having this conflict in my head. I need to sort this out... Badly. And very soon... >_< I need help...

Going Backwards...

I fear I'm going backwards... No matter how hard I try to change and stay strong and stay how I feel happier... I always go back to my old ways... I manage to take one step forward... And then take about a million steps backward... Back to where I started... For example: I was able to get on with my life and begin to forget certain people and not let them bother me. Now, after yesterday, I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to continue with it... As much as I really want to... I feel like just giving in to some people so I won't have this guilt or whatever that I get in certain situations anymore. I hate feeling guilty over things I do for myself... So I get to be happy rather then be miserable while everyone else is happy. I don't want to fall back into the same patterns I'm so used to. I want to be able to do things for myself for once and not feel bad or guilty if somebody isn't happy with a decision I've made... I just can't help it... Maybe I'll always be this way. Maybe I can't change it permanently and I'll just have to learn to accept and deal with it... I don't know what to do anymore...