So it's been a few months sine I've last written a blog so I thought now would be a good time for a new one. To be honest I feel like so much has happened, I don't even know where to start. I've seen the real side to certain people, I've gotten back in contact with old friends, made new ones who are much better for me, and the most scary/important thing that's happened? My leaving cert has officially started and I feel so unprepared for it that I've gone past caring. I'm ready for school to be done. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready for new people. I'll probably new get over some of the things that have happened to me, and you know what? I think I'm okay with that. They've made me the person I am today, even if I am a little crazy... Okay more then a little. Sometimes I'm not okay with who I am, mostly I'm not. I'm insecure, I mess up a lot, I'm clumsy, I'm shy, I'm paranoid, I'm jumpy, I'm pesimistic, I'm lazy, I think too much, I care too much, I'm not able to stand up for myself as much as I need to. But all of this makes me, me. Love me or hate me, it's not really going to phase me. The only things that seem to phase me nowadays are people who lie to me, cheat, back stab me, are completely two faced, people who dwell on their mistakes, people who make out they're better then everybody else, and people who constantly do the same things that hurt themselves. I used to do many of these things, I still do one, but I guess I wouldn't be the same if I didn't. I want to change who I am. I want to change how I look, how I act, I want more confidence in myself.
I'm suicidal one minute, on top of the world the next. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, I'm too afraid to find out. I have trouble letting go of people, even if they've hurt me. I have trouble trusting new people, trouble trusting old friends. I am, however, gettting better at it. I'm learning to pick out the people who truely are worth fighting for, and the people who are just wasting my time. I thought I was able to tell already, but my instincts let me down. Suppose it wasn't the first time though. You will always meet people who will let you down, no matter where you are, where you're from or even who you are. It's something we all have to eventually accept. I don't know whats going to happen in the next few weeks, all I know is I'm going to try and make the most of it. I won't second guess myself. If I want to do something, I will do it. If I want to see someone, I will do my damned best to see them. If I want something, my god I will try to get it. And lastly, if I want someone, I will not let myself be held back by any worries or scares I may have. I'm living for myself, I always have been. I just never realised it before that you're the only one you're able to rely on every day. There is only one of me, and contrary to my mind, people to give a shit about me. People do still love me after I mess shit up. People do still want me around, even if I don't want to be around myself...
Saoirse, out.
