Just Tonight.

Nothing seems to make sense anymore... I think one thing and in my head it makes sense... But then when it actually comes to doing that... It fucks up. It ends up making no sense and can then lead to making things worse with people when I was trying to make it better. You'd think that things would work out eventually, what with the saying "Good things come to those who wait", but it doesn't seem to always work that way... I would really love to know why people say that all the time, when it's not really true.

You Make Me Wanna Die.

I hate how much I need other people to be okay. I hate needing other peoples approval all the time, I hate needing to know what my friends think of me. Most of all I hate the effect the idea of losing you forever has on me. I thought I was going to be yours again. I thought I almost kind of was. But I'm really not. How could I be that stupid? Why do I always do this to myself? After everytime this happens, I promise myself I won't let myself so that ahain, I promise myself I'll keep myself together. And I do try. I try very hard. I just don't seem to have the strenght to stop myself from self-destructing. Maybe I just need to leave...

Fuck Off World.

I hate this. I was going so well for ages. I was actually borderline happy. I loved it. It made me feel okay again. And then it all cam crashing down. Such small things made my life fall apart at the seems again. I hate it. I wanted it to be it, I wanted to be able to say I was happy without worrying about when my world would crash again. I can't find clothes that fit me. I found out my uncle could potentially be dying from something I never knew he had, and then this morning I found out shit... I thought I mattered to some people. It doesn't really seem that way anymore. People don't need me to be happy, even if they say they do. It's pretty clear and obvious for me now that nobody reeeeally needs me, they just like having me around for when they may think they need me there for them. It's only sometimes. Only sometimes. Never all the time. If the world is so determined for me to be unhappy then maybe I should just stop trying to be.

GAAAAH.

I want him. I want him more then ever right now. I don't know why I want him so bad now. Why now it's any different. But it is different. It's very different. I want to be his again, to be able to go out with him and hold his hand. To be able to hug him and be held by him and not worry about what people are gonna say about it. I don't want to think about what anyone thinks about it. I don't want to have this thing, whatever it is, stopping me from being with him again... I want to stop having this conflict in my head. I need to sort this out... Badly. And very soon... >_< I need help...

Going Backwards...

I fear I'm going backwards... No matter how hard I try to change and stay strong and stay how I feel happier... I always go back to my old ways... I manage to take one step forward... And then take about a million steps backward... Back to where I started... For example: I was able to get on with my life and begin to forget certain people and not let them bother me. Now, after yesterday, I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to continue with it... As much as I really want to... I feel like just giving in to some people so I won't have this guilt or whatever that I get in certain situations anymore. I hate feeling guilty over things I do for myself... So I get to be happy rather then be miserable while everyone else is happy. I don't want to fall back into the same patterns I'm so used to. I want to be able to do things for myself for once and not feel bad or guilty if somebody isn't happy with a decision I've made... I just can't help it... Maybe I'll always be this way. Maybe I can't change it permanently and I'll just have to learn to accept and deal with it... I don't know what to do anymore...

Time For A New Blog Me Thinks.

It's been quite a while since I've written a blog, I just haven't been inspired by anything lately. But last night I felt like I had something to write about again. It feels like so much has happened since August and when I think about it, it kind of has. I turned 18, I got rid of one person who was toxic for me, working on a second one now xD I'm in my last year of school now and I'm trying my best to do all the work I need to. I had a huge fight and almost lost one of my closest friends, I was pretty devastated for a while when all that was going on, but last Saturday I decided I needed to open up a bit more. Maybe not trust exactly, but be able to not focus on so much negative stuff. I've been doing fairly well on that since. We made up and everythings okay again. :) although I don't feel like I trust him fully again just yet, it's better then how it was before. I have made things better with many of my friends that I felt I had pushed away. I have a new outlook on life now. I don't mope around so much, like I used to. I don't feel the need to hide things from certain people. I can trust people more now, but not as many as I'd like to be able. Basically I'm more optimistic. Which is AWESOME!

So... There's this girl Alley. I have written about her before... In one of my first blongs actually. Ronan was introducing me to her. Well.. Over the summer I got to know her, not as well as I'd have liked but still, it's better then nothing. She's awesome. She's so like me. She's fun too. I don't know how we never became friends before this... But anyways... I like her. I like her a fair bit. And I'm trying this new thing where I'm completely honest with people from now on. So I told her that I like her. I timed it so she wouldn't text me back. (She has no credit or free texts) I find that was the best way I ever told anyone I liked them. I didn't get worried when they didn't reply. I didn't start thinking "Oh shit, what if I just ruined our friendship?" I was, and still am, really calm about it all. And it's awesome. I'm not gonna hound her into talking to me about what I text her cause it most definitely would not help anything. It would pressuer her, and that's the last thing I want to do. We'll see where it goes. xD

Something else that I have come to accept. I do love Ronan. My feelings for him aren't any less then they were. And he still loves me too. We may not be together now, or for a very long time either, but he still loves me. And I believe that we will always have something. We will always have a bond that's different to anything I have ever had with anyone else, and I doubt I will have with anyone else. Our friendship is special, and I'm going to keep him in my life, even if it just means keeping him as a friend.

Man I'm getting really deep now xD

Ugh. Bloody Stress Of Some People.

Some people annoy the shit out of me. I try my best to keep myself away from people that are bad for me or that are bitchy and two faced or whatever. But no matter how hard I try to I somehow always keep hearing about them and getting involved in situations to do with them. If I'm not making an effort to talk to or about someone then it should be obvious I don't want anything to do with them, right? I hate getting involved in things that make me feel shit. I refuse to keep letting people involve me in shit that I don't have anything to do with. People suck.