Been a few months.

So it's been a few months sine I've last written a blog so I thought now would be a good time for a new one. To be honest I feel like so much has happened, I don't even know where to start. I've seen the real side to certain people, I've gotten back in contact with old friends, made new ones who are much better for me, and the most scary/important thing that's happened? My leaving cert has officially started and I feel so unprepared for it that I've gone past caring. I'm ready for school to be done. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready for new people. I'll probably new get over some of the things that have happened to me, and you know what? I think I'm okay with that. They've made me the person I am today, even if I am a little crazy... Okay more then a little. Sometimes I'm not okay with who I am, mostly I'm not. I'm insecure, I mess up a lot, I'm clumsy, I'm shy, I'm paranoid, I'm jumpy, I'm pesimistic, I'm lazy, I think too much, I care too much, I'm not able to stand up for myself as much as I need to. But all of this makes me, me. Love me or hate me, it's not really going to phase me. The only things that seem to phase me nowadays are people who lie to me, cheat, back stab me, are completely two faced, people who dwell on their mistakes, people who make out they're better then everybody else, and people who constantly do the same things that hurt themselves. I used to do many of these things, I still do one, but I guess I wouldn't be the same if I didn't. I want to change who I am. I want to change how I look, how I act, I want more confidence in myself.
I'm suicidal one minute, on top of the world the next. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, I'm too afraid to find out. I have trouble letting go of people, even if they've hurt me. I have trouble trusting new people, trouble trusting old friends. I am, however, gettting better at it. I'm learning to pick out the people who truely are worth fighting for, and the people who are just wasting my time. I thought I was able to tell already, but my instincts let me down. Suppose it wasn't the first time though. You will always meet people who will let you down, no matter where you are, where you're from or even who you are. It's something we all have to eventually accept. I don't know whats going to happen in the next few weeks, all I know is I'm going to try and make the most of it. I won't second guess myself. If I want to do something, I will do it. If I want to see someone, I will do my damned best to see them. If I want something, my god I will try to get it. And lastly, if I want someone, I will not let myself be held back by any worries or scares I may have. I'm living for myself, I always have been. I just never realised it before that you're the only one you're able to rely on every day. There is only one of me, and contrary to my mind, people to give a shit about me. People do still love me after I mess shit up. People do still want me around, even if I don't want to be around myself...
Saoirse, out.

Trapped.

Lately I've been feeling trapped. By everyone. In everything. I'm trapped by my parents with school, tv, the internet, bed. I'm trapped by school with the amount of study and homework I have to do. Right now I'm trapped by being sick. I can't go outside and see my friends. I can't go outside just for a walk. I can't go outside to get away from my life. I can't disappear into the world of my book seeing as I don't have the next one. I don't have the money to get the next one, nor can I go out to get the next one cause I'm sick.

I have now gotten to the point of being trapped where I don't even want to try and get away from everything. Anytime I seem to try something goes wrong. I get sick, or I have too much to do at home or with school. I haven't seen any of my friends in a week, and I've only talked to one of them during that time. I want to get out. Sometimes I just sit and look out my window with music playing in the background, wishing I was somewhere else. No matter where you are, the sky will always be the same sky right? That's something that never really changes. I guess I'm looking for a change in my life, a huge change. I keep myself in this little cycle of doing really well in everything, and then BAM! It all falls apart and I can't seem to get back ontop of anything. I stay in my little hole, digging deeper and deeper, not able to get out, until something is said to me. Usually by you. I hate this cycle, and they only way I can see it breaking is if I get away. If I go somewhere so far away and nobody knows where I am.

What happens to my head when I'm sick.

I wonder if I come on too strong.. I wonder if I do do that, if it makes people shy away... Or that it turns them off or something. If I do, how do I know? How do I stop that? Cause I'm pretty sure it will scare people away, people I'd prefer to keep in my life, rather then lose them. So how do I be more relaxed about things? About liking people?

Sometimes I think there's is something very wrong with me. My life isn't overly bad, yet I get desperately depressed sometimes. I don't even know what would set if off for me either. Maybe I'll figure it out if I think about it more? Or maybe I'll just get even more out of control. I dunno anymore. Nothing really makes sense to me anymore. My dreams are blurred with reality, and I don't know how to distinguish between them anymore. Oh well. I don't really think I can do much about that can I?

This all happens when I'm sick, because I always end up with way too much time on my hands. And when I have way too much time on my hands, I think too much. And that is never good for anyone... Especailly me.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be any easier if I had never met you. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be here if I'd never met you. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be different to how I am now if I'd ever met you. Sometimes I wonder if I'd still be where I was 4 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be as paranoid as I am now, or still have the mood swings if I'd never met you. I wonder if my life would be better if I had never ran into you 3 and a half years ago. There's so many things I wonder about how my life would be different if you'd never walked in to it. But I don't care. I love that you're still sticking around after everything thats happened. I love how you understand why I do the things I do. I love how we can still be the same around each other like nearly nothing has changed, like we're still the best of friends. I know we are still best friends, but it's hard thinking of you being with her, thinking of you loving her the way you used to love me. But I'm happy for you. I'm happy you've found that again, I'm happy that you're happy, even though it's not with me. I wish it was though, even after all of this time, I still wish it was me. :/
I wonder if I will ever find someone I feel the way I feel about you. In some way I hope I don't. I don't want to have what I had with you with anyone else. Maybe that's me being stupid, or silly, but it's true. I don't want what I had with you with anybody else. Only you. I love you, and I probably always will. In every way possible. <3

Wonderland.

Sometimes I believe I live in a different reality to everyone else. I see things differently, think about things differently, and do things very differently.

I get sudden life changing realisations from songs. I fall in love with people in books. I sometimes feel like I know people in books. I cry at books when someone dies because it feels so real to me.

I completely break down at the most random times. I don't dwell on things that still scare the living shit out of me. I think about how I have had amazing memories, but worry I may never have them again. I cry at Disney movies because I get happy memories. I have to think twice about whether I'm dreaming sometimes. I'm able to remember the most trivial things, but forget important things.

Most importantly, I'm able to live in a world where you're still the way you were. I still live in a world where you still love me the way you did. I live in my head, I live in my head because I know it's safe. I know the only thing that can hurt me in there is me. And I know exactly how not to hurt myself in there.

Seize the Day

Earlier this evening I was in the best mood ever, due to the fact I was currently talking to my best friend who I hadn't talked with in ages. It was a really nice change from the severely depressed state I was in for the entire day.

Not even an hour ago I was lying in bed listening to Avenged Sevenfold, while pondering about my life and how I can help my bedt friend out in a current situation he's in. All of a sudden Seize the Day came on. This is a song that my ex, and my current best friend in the entire world, had sent lyrics to me which led to me falling in love with this band. This song has always had that amazing memory of him attatched to it, but it always made me cry, seeing as he sent it to me when we were apart, and once we'd broken up, reminded me of what I'd let slip away. Tonight it held a completely different meaning to me. It made me think about my life and how I have been living it. Or for a better way of puttint it, how I haven't been living it. I have lived a very eventful life, very poorly. I have not seen the best in it, only the worst, and I always dwelled on those bad things. This put me in a state of hating my life completely, and various attempts at changing it or ending it. However, rather then this song making me cry, it made me realise how short life is.

I need to stop hiding behind things. Especially my emotions, or lack there of. My natural emotional state isn't happy, it never has been, but it far from depressed. It's taken me 18 years to figure that one out, but I'm very glad I have. I will still get my fucked up and scary mood swings, but I can help myself. I can make sure they become less severe for my emotional well being by not bottling them up, and letting them go further then the walls I have built around my mind, as well as the walls of my room.

From now on I will be just me, and nobody else. I will show people my emotions, even the scary ones. I will let myself have fun with my friends because I know I deserve it. I will not let trust, or lack or trust, control my every move and friendship, because that's gotten me nowhere so far. I will let myself scream if I need to. I will let myself break things if I need to. I will let myself fight if I need to. All of these things, these will be me letting people see my emotions, and if they think I'm a bitch because of it? They won't have a place in my life anymore, because I don't need shitheads like that anymore. I will be the me that I am comfortable with, the me I really am. I can finally accept that this is who I am, and whether I like that or not is irrelevant. The first step to happiness is accepting who you are, just as you are right? And I think, that if people don't like who I truely am, they can fuck off a cliff, because quite frankly, I could not care less anyway. :)

2011

Everyone always says how they're going to change in 2011. They make plans and resolutions, but never stick to them. I used to be one of these people, however, this year, I won't be making any resolutions or plans. This year is the year I plan nothing. I won't be planning anything because I won't feel like I have failed at anything. I'm not making any resolutions, so I won't have to tell people how I haven't kept to any of them. But, this year will be different. I will make it so.

Snow ♥

I love the snow. What I don't like about it though is the cold and it stopping me from getting to places -.-
Where I live, I've been getting much more snow then most of Dublin, seeing as I live at the bottom of a fucking mountain xD but anyways, I thought I'd post some pictures I've taken of the pretty snow :)

It's been a while...

So alot has happened since I last wrote. It seems a whole lifetime ago.
I've made up with friends, nearly lost others, made new ones who I know for sure I can trust completely. I've also gotten closer to some, while drifting away from others. Some I will miss very much so, but I know it will be for the best in the long run.

You can't rely on people to always be there for you, this is something I found out quite recently. People lie and cheat and back stab, but its all part of being human I suppose. I know I can be unbearable to be around sometimes, let alone talk to, which is why when I found out last week that one of my best friends is manic depressive, I could potentially be too. We are so similar, in every way. We could pass as the same person in some things. The thought of being manic depressive scares me, but also it relieves me. I will finally know what's actually wrong with me, and I'll actually be able to get help.

After all these years, now is the time when I know I really need it. There is too much for me to have to deal with, and that's not even starting to think about my leaving cert. I push things away and into the back of mind, and I'm genuinely okay for a while after doing that. But then it all comes out and it's horrific. I scare myself let alone anybody else. How anyone has stuck by me all this time is beyond me, especially him. Even though he's not there now, I know he would be if he could. He's my best friend and I love him more then I can explain to anyone, or even begin to try and get them to understand.

Everyone thinks that I'm an idiot for still loving him, but love isn't something you can just forget or get over. I know he was/is the one I should be with because he is the one who makes me feel safe, and alive. Now don't get me wrong, I do like other people, and I would go out with other people, but I know nothing will ever be like it was with him. I will go out with other people, I'm sure I will, and I'm sure it will be fantastic and fun, but I'm not sure anybody will be able to accept me the way I am. I'm not sure anybody will be able to handle the insane mood swings and me lashing out the way I do at everyone. I'm sure that most people won't understand the way I think at all, or the way I see things, because I only know two people in my life to ever understand them, and understand me, especially when I'm in one of those moods where I can say things that I don't mean and don't make sense. I know that if I don't get help, I will lose everyone and everything, but most of all I'll lose him. And I won't let that happen. Even if it kills me.

Just Tonight.

Nothing seems to make sense anymore... I think one thing and in my head it makes sense... But then when it actually comes to doing that... It fucks up. It ends up making no sense and can then lead to making things worse with people when I was trying to make it better. You'd think that things would work out eventually, what with the saying "Good things come to those who wait", but it doesn't seem to always work that way... I would really love to know why people say that all the time, when it's not really true.

You Make Me Wanna Die.

I hate how much I need other people to be okay. I hate needing other peoples approval all the time, I hate needing to know what my friends think of me. Most of all I hate the effect the idea of losing you forever has on me. I thought I was going to be yours again. I thought I almost kind of was. But I'm really not. How could I be that stupid? Why do I always do this to myself? After everytime this happens, I promise myself I won't let myself so that ahain, I promise myself I'll keep myself together. And I do try. I try very hard. I just don't seem to have the strenght to stop myself from self-destructing. Maybe I just need to leave...

Fuck Off World.

I hate this. I was going so well for ages. I was actually borderline happy. I loved it. It made me feel okay again. And then it all cam crashing down. Such small things made my life fall apart at the seems again. I hate it. I wanted it to be it, I wanted to be able to say I was happy without worrying about when my world would crash again. I can't find clothes that fit me. I found out my uncle could potentially be dying from something I never knew he had, and then this morning I found out shit... I thought I mattered to some people. It doesn't really seem that way anymore. People don't need me to be happy, even if they say they do. It's pretty clear and obvious for me now that nobody reeeeally needs me, they just like having me around for when they may think they need me there for them. It's only sometimes. Only sometimes. Never all the time. If the world is so determined for me to be unhappy then maybe I should just stop trying to be.

GAAAAH.

I want him. I want him more then ever right now. I don't know why I want him so bad now. Why now it's any different. But it is different. It's very different. I want to be his again, to be able to go out with him and hold his hand. To be able to hug him and be held by him and not worry about what people are gonna say about it. I don't want to think about what anyone thinks about it. I don't want to have this thing, whatever it is, stopping me from being with him again... I want to stop having this conflict in my head. I need to sort this out... Badly. And very soon... >_< I need help...

Going Backwards...

I fear I'm going backwards... No matter how hard I try to change and stay strong and stay how I feel happier... I always go back to my old ways... I manage to take one step forward... And then take about a million steps backward... Back to where I started... For example: I was able to get on with my life and begin to forget certain people and not let them bother me. Now, after yesterday, I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to continue with it... As much as I really want to... I feel like just giving in to some people so I won't have this guilt or whatever that I get in certain situations anymore. I hate feeling guilty over things I do for myself... So I get to be happy rather then be miserable while everyone else is happy. I don't want to fall back into the same patterns I'm so used to. I want to be able to do things for myself for once and not feel bad or guilty if somebody isn't happy with a decision I've made... I just can't help it... Maybe I'll always be this way. Maybe I can't change it permanently and I'll just have to learn to accept and deal with it... I don't know what to do anymore...

Time For A New Blog Me Thinks.

It's been quite a while since I've written a blog, I just haven't been inspired by anything lately. But last night I felt like I had something to write about again. It feels like so much has happened since August and when I think about it, it kind of has. I turned 18, I got rid of one person who was toxic for me, working on a second one now xD I'm in my last year of school now and I'm trying my best to do all the work I need to. I had a huge fight and almost lost one of my closest friends, I was pretty devastated for a while when all that was going on, but last Saturday I decided I needed to open up a bit more. Maybe not trust exactly, but be able to not focus on so much negative stuff. I've been doing fairly well on that since. We made up and everythings okay again. :) although I don't feel like I trust him fully again just yet, it's better then how it was before. I have made things better with many of my friends that I felt I had pushed away. I have a new outlook on life now. I don't mope around so much, like I used to. I don't feel the need to hide things from certain people. I can trust people more now, but not as many as I'd like to be able. Basically I'm more optimistic. Which is AWESOME!

So... There's this girl Alley. I have written about her before... In one of my first blongs actually. Ronan was introducing me to her. Well.. Over the summer I got to know her, not as well as I'd have liked but still, it's better then nothing. She's awesome. She's so like me. She's fun too. I don't know how we never became friends before this... But anyways... I like her. I like her a fair bit. And I'm trying this new thing where I'm completely honest with people from now on. So I told her that I like her. I timed it so she wouldn't text me back. (She has no credit or free texts) I find that was the best way I ever told anyone I liked them. I didn't get worried when they didn't reply. I didn't start thinking "Oh shit, what if I just ruined our friendship?" I was, and still am, really calm about it all. And it's awesome. I'm not gonna hound her into talking to me about what I text her cause it most definitely would not help anything. It would pressuer her, and that's the last thing I want to do. We'll see where it goes. xD

Something else that I have come to accept. I do love Ronan. My feelings for him aren't any less then they were. And he still loves me too. We may not be together now, or for a very long time either, but he still loves me. And I believe that we will always have something. We will always have a bond that's different to anything I have ever had with anyone else, and I doubt I will have with anyone else. Our friendship is special, and I'm going to keep him in my life, even if it just means keeping him as a friend.

Man I'm getting really deep now xD

Ugh. Bloody Stress Of Some People.

Some people annoy the shit out of me. I try my best to keep myself away from people that are bad for me or that are bitchy and two faced or whatever. But no matter how hard I try to I somehow always keep hearing about them and getting involved in situations to do with them. If I'm not making an effort to talk to or about someone then it should be obvious I don't want anything to do with them, right? I hate getting involved in things that make me feel shit. I refuse to keep letting people involve me in shit that I don't have anything to do with. People suck.

Mistakes...

Do you ever get that feeling after you've gotten rid of a person from your life, that it was the wrong thing to do? Even though personally you feel much better and not so stressed out? Do you ever feel guilty after doing something for yourself at someone elses expense? Yeah I have that right now... This girl was a liar, a cheat, an attention seeker in my eyes, and didn't seem to have any shame whatsoever... Yet now she seems to miss me.. Even though I don't know her 3 months... And now I feel bad about it? What the fuck is up with that? Seriously... I shouldn't feel bad. I shouldn't feel anything. She was pretty much a bitch. And now I fucking feel bad! I hate this. It's fucking bullshit! It should not be like this. I should not feel anything like this. I should just be able to not care. I thought I was indifferent about this entire situation, but apparantly I'm not. Fuck sake... And now I don't know what to do about this? Ugh... I hate being so bloody nice about stuff like this... Oh well, I guess it'll work out itself right? Well here's to hoping.

Friends ♥

So the past few days have been kinda hard for me for some reason.. It's been easy for me to cry, which is odd for me seeing as over the past two or so years its taken something incredibly bad or whatnot to set me off.. But the past few nights it has been small little things like feeling alone or missing someone. I miss my friends. I feel like I'm losing some of them, ones I'd really like to keep in my life. Today and yesterday have made me realise I'm not really losing everyone, it's all in my head. I have the most amazing friends and I just really need to realise that they are my friends, they are here to help me out or talk to me, they are there for me, like I am for them. I have to stop needing reminders for that. I should be able to accept I do deserve the friends I have, that I do deserve to be happy. I still can't, not yet, not fully. I don't know why exactly, but I'm getting there. I know I should be allowed to be happy... I also know I should put myself first sometimes and I'm slowly starting to do that. For the first time in my life I'm able to take time just for me. And I think the friends I currently have help and let me do that. I need time for me daily, and when it comes to that, my friends understand as well as encourage it. And I am extremely greatful for that.

Something else the friends I have now have helped me do is get rid of anyone that may have been causeing me stress, making me feel worthless, making me feel like I don't deserve to be happy, anyone that was making me feel bad about myself, my friends gave me the strength and the courage to get the out. If anyone makes you feel any of those things, or even worse, then they don't deserve to know you. I have dealt with liars, cheats, back stabbers, two faced people all my life, and I don't need them. I don't need any of that in my life. I am a strong person, whether thats something I believe all the time, or only occassionally doesn't matter, because I know I am strong. And if I need someone out of my life for whatever reason, I will get them out of my life. I will cut them out of my life for good. My friends have made me a better person, made me stronger, and made me realise who I am, or becoming.

This blog is about my friends. I don't think I should name any because they should know who they are. If any of you are reading this, I love you and I don't ever want you to not be in my life. :)

Dreams.

So. This blog is going to be about dreams. My dreams in particular obvioiusly. So the dreams I have rarely differ in what happens in them, like I'm being stalked, or ignored, or raped, or someone is trying to kill me, or someone blames me for everything... Most of them end with my death, and I have no idea how or why this happens. It's not like I'm exactly depressed at the moment, but I suppose it doesn't really matter how I'm feeling, they always seem to end up like that. The most recent dreams I have been having always have the same two people in it, excluding me. I don't really know why, but they do. The last one I had, it was mainly just me and this one person, who is very close to me, being chased to the point where we're stuck in a small room, with some crazy person banging on the door trying to get them back and keep them away from me. These dreams are the worst. They make me live me deepest fears, as well as my greatest wants or whatever you'd say for that... When I wake up from them it can be difficult to distinguish whether it was reality or a dream. And that is the worst part of it all. It's worse then the dreams. Maybe they mean something? I don't know... I honestly don't know what a professional would say, let alone think of my dreams... I don't know if I'd need to have medication, or there's nothing they could do to help them. I don't even know if I want them to stop... Just to have a few 'normal' dreams, none where I die... Or none where anything super crazy or bad happens... Just a dream where I do normal things... Or something... I dunno... I guess there's nothing I can really do but oh well... I'll just have to learn to live with them...

Hi, My name is Saoirse, and I scare boys. :)

What I have come to notice recently is that I have the ability to scare the male gender. Me. An innocent looking, 5'5 girl, who isnt exactly extremely strong. If you saw me on the street you wouldn't look twice, and thats just how I am... But what I have noticed is that I have a scary temper, that when I even think about it after, it shocks me... I guess it does show me that I am not what peopel expect, that I'm something that people dont think or even realise I am.. I like that. I suppose it means that nobody will really know me until they see that part... And if they still want to know me after that, then I know iI won't ever really lose them... Which is a very comforting thought... I know for sure that there is one person I will not lose, ever, which reassures me that if he won't ever leave, then maybe other people won't either... Like obviously every relationship has their own issues and nothing is ever perfect in any relationship, whether it be a friendship or a romantic one, but if the bond is strong enough and both people value it enough, there can be a time when there's a fight, and it looks like its all over... And there can be no talking for whoever long, but it can be sorted out, and then its all okay again. The only way things will ever end between two people is if they both don't want to sort anything out, or if neither value the relationship enough to try anymore... Thats the sadest thing about the human race, the fact that people are so stubborn that they'd throw away an amazing friend, or an amazing boyfriend/girlfriend, just to prove that they're not 'weak' or that they are 'right', so basically, over being stupid or pathetic and not wanting to bother to save what they have or had. This is how most friendships and relationships are ended and its just... Very sad...